The Power of Forgiveness

One of the rungs on the ladder of spirituality is in the lesson of learning to forgive. This is no easy feat and sometimes it can take a lifetime to forgive someone for causing you pain and harm. However, when it is accomplished, it feels like the weight of the world has been removed from your shoulders.

For many years I held on to anger. I was angry at myself and angry at others for hurting me. The anger at myself turned inward and manifested in a major depression. While my doctor stated it was post-partum induced, a majority of it derived from self-loathing.

Medication mercifully lifted the depression, however while it treated the symptoms it didn’t get rid of the cause. At the time, I didn’t realize the only one or thing to have the power to absolutely vanquish the anger was me.

Though life was brighter, the anger and negativity continued to fester within me like a poison. Situations in my life fed the negativity as I experienced several instances of betrayal and resentment. Life took many twists and turns until my feet were placed on a path of self-discovery.

Ironically, each year when my kids would ask what I wanted for my Birthday or Christmas and I would tell them “world peace.” While my answer drove them nuts, it was true. All I wanted was peace. I craved it! Then one day as I saw my family reunite nearly thirteen years after my mother’s death – I realized the peace I had longed for was manifesting! Thus, a new awareness in positivity was born. Though the past pain began to make sense in my life, I still hadn’t addressed any significant problems.

My first real step towards change came the day I forgave my mother for dying and leaving me alone with a houseful of males and no other female closeness. I had harboured so much anger I hadn’t even realized. Though I understood my mother had no choice in the matter, my point of pain centred around our last lucid moment together.

Mom was in the hospital and we’d gone down to the “smoke” room where someone had brought her a present. When we returned to her room, I realized I’d forgotten it downstairs and went back to retrieve it but it was gone. (Human nature is interesting. Someone brought a gift – even though they know the person is dying and will probably never use it.)

I returned to the room empty handed and my mother screamed at me. I was in absolute shock! The words she said were so hateful! I stood unable to move, think or respond. When her tirade was over, I quietly said I was going to let her get some rest and I’d be back the following day. I held back my tears and emotions, still surprised by the expression on her face. Walking over to the door, I paused for a moment and turned to look back at her. We stared at one another, not saying a word, seeming to talk with our eyes. Then I left. She never recognized me again after that. Mom was moved the next day to the palliative ward and doped up on morphine for her few remaining days. The harshness of that final moment between us remained for years. In the back of my mind, she hated me and always had but it had taken her illness to voice it.

However, as I continued on my spiritual path and became more aware, I realized the truth of the matter. I was in the shower one day (enlightenment arrives at the strangest times) when it all became crystal clear. She never hated ME, she wasn’t angry with me over the lost gift – she was angry at the situation. I’d been eight months pregnant with a grandchild she’d never know and she felt robbed, cheated and naturally lashed out at me. In that moment, my first true instance of forgiveness occurred.

It was soon followed by another one as I was once again provided with the “truth” of a similar incident where I’d felt the sting of angry words only to realize I wasn’t the one for whom they were directed.

Little by little, the anger and negativity dissipated within me. With each new instance of forgiveness, I felt more and more at peace with myself and everyone around me. I found the power to forgive those who had ever hurt or harmed me and myself for ever hurting anyone.

Keep in mind, forgiving does not mean condoning an action. For example, while I forgave my paternal grandfather for his sexual abuse but I certainly don’t condone the act. However, it is HIS “sin” to carry, not mine.

Though I remain a “work in progress” I’ve been informed by one of my spiritual advisors that I have succeeded in cutting away chunks of negativity from my life which was only accomplished through the power of forgiveness.

It isn’t always easy to forgive, but it is necessary if you want to have peace in your life because they go hand and hand. The power to forgive is within you and only you. Try it yourself and see – but I have to warn you, it is addictive and once you open the door you can’t go back! But then again, who would want to?

Peace