Marriage Mystery

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” Mae West

As I said in the “About Me” section, I’ve been married to the same man for nearly 24 years. Which is, as far as I’m concerned, nothing short of amazing!

Why do some marriages last and others don’t? I’d always heard if you look at your prospective partner’s parent’s marriage, you can get a glimpse of the future. This meant if the parents were divorced, you would probably end up divorced as well.

However, I’ve known of marriages that end and the parents on both sides have lasted “till death do us part.”

Looking back at my grandparents and parents marriages (sixty and thirty years respectively), I can see the differences between theirs and mine. I don’t recall either of them being lovingly demonstrative towards one another. I never saw my grandparents kiss or hold hands or utter terms of endearment to each other.

In contrast, my parents always kissed each other goodbye (never hello). I recall my mother telling me after I questioned why my dad received two kisses and my brother and I only received one each, “To remind him that he’s special.” In spite of this, it seems as though both marriages maintained a commitment without really becoming intimate.

My husband and I usually kiss hello, goodbye and goodnight. We still hold hands and say nice things to one another now and then. In fact, my heart will flutter when he comes home or we see each other after being apart. But, the bottom line is, we like one another. While I love him ALL the time, there are times when I don’t particularly like him and that’s okay because I KNOW there are times when I’m not his most favourite person in the world either.

Our life together hasn’t been a bed of roses. We’ve had trying times and considered throwing in the towel a couple of times. But, for whatever reason we hung in there. My grandma used to say, “Marriage is like the weather, sometimes you’ll have storms and clouds, but if you wait a little while, the sun will come out and shine again.”

At one time, I shared the points of view of my grandparents and parents in that it was “normal and necessary” to get married. In hindsight, I’ve no doubt this line of thinking was a direct result of their religious beliefs. It was simple, you met someone, dated, got engaged, married, THEN had sex, eventually had kids, raised your family and died. Badaboom, badabing.

There was to be no deviation from this plan. This is how it was supposed to be. Years ago it was a shame to get divorced and longstanding marriages were the “norm.” Today this trend is reversed except divorce has lost it’s stigma of failure.


At one time, I stated to my boys (as I’d heard all my life) they’d have to marry “a nice Catholic girl,” and teach their children our religion. When my husband and I were starting to get “serious,” religion was one of the first questions we asked.

“What religion are you?” We both breathed a sigh of relief when ours matched.

Happily, I’ve stopped saying that a long time ago. I don’t expect my children to get married if they don’t want to. Making a commitment should involve desire and heart between the individuals involved.

I think part of the reason behind separation and divorce stems from our ego’s lack of patience. Rather than waiting out a storm, forgiving or seeking out the assistance of a professional – it’s easier to call it quits and start over with someone new. Personally, I question why I’d leave my life to begin again with someone else only to find myself in the same situation later. We enjoy those “new” feelings of elation at the start of a relationship, but those are only hormonal rushes which will inevitably wear off leaving you feeling dissatisfied once more.

As I said, I once shared the beliefs of my foremothers. I’m not sure when it changed, but somewhere along the lines I realized there were other options. (I’m becoming more unconventional as I age.) I’m not against marriage, I’m against having it and anything else being forced upon us. I’m against a mindless, lemming mentality in which we follow without question.

Now, having said all this, doesn’t change a thing in my life. I’m happy and comfortable. For us, what works is growing together and yet still having the freedom to dance to the beat of our own drums.

Peace